Changes

One of the writing challenges is to quickly list 5 things that I would change in my life if I could and to then write about how my life would be if those changes took place. I'm going to list the 5 things that I would change, but the rest is going to take more than an evening to write I think, so I will be adding to this post as I go along.
Five Things I Would Change:
1/Tracy and her family would be believers and would take it very seriously.
2/My finances
3/My looks/body
4/My singleness
5/My children's attitude toward me

That's my five, but as I said, it's going to take a while to write about all five. Tonight I'll just write about #2/My finances.
My struggles with money are ongoing and it seems that I have struggled in that area forever. While married to Michael it was a constant ongoing battle that filled every day with worry and stress. Now I live on far less money, but I don't live in a constant state of anxiety over it. Partly that's because I only have to deal with me and how I handle what money I have. I don't have to worry about another person spending money that we don't have to spend. The bigger reason however, is my growing trust in God. I have very little to go around, but I always seem to make it through. Sometimes I'm not even sure how. Unfortunately that doesn't make me stop wising I  had more. Not enough that I would be considered rich, but just enough to cover my expenses with some left over each month that I could splurge a bit with or save toward something I'd really like to do or something I'd love to purchase for myself (Like the tires I'm trying to save up for now). It would ease my mind a lot. I would also love to be able to help others more. I would be able to spend more money on my grandbabies. I could give more to my church as well. Depending on how much more I had, I could do a little something to affect change in my number three. Dream on Old Woman!


Okay--Since I mentioned it yesterday, today I'll tackle #3. I am totally aware that this one is totally vain and selfish, but if I'm going to be honest--I would make changes if I could. I did an enormous amount of emotional eating during my marriage and unfortunately didn't lose the weight that I have until the years when your skin just doesn't bounce back. Therefore, the weight went off and the skin said " Thanks, but No Thanks. I like it here just fine". That means that I have saggy skin to deal with. Yuck! On my arms for instance. Double Yuck!! My poor upper arms should never see the light of day, but in the warm weather I'm hot all the time, so everyone has to suffer through looking at them. Also--Do you know how difficult it is to find dresses with a bit of a sleeve on them? Losing the weight also left me with nearly as much bosom under my arms as there is on the front of me. Triple Yuck!!! (I hope we're all ladies here. I can't imagine why any male person would be checking out my blog). Another wonderful thing about that lost weight is that I have far more wrinkles to deal with than I would have had. Oh well--I figure I'd rather be wrinkled and healthy than have all the weight to fill out all the wrinkles. So----I must admit that if I had the money to do so, I would help myself out in the looks department a little. Not a lot. Just a little.I still have another 30-40 pounds that I think should come off and then let's see. I would get something done to my face. Not a facelift, but one of those Lifestyle Lift thingies. I would have my eyes done if it weren't included in that. I do believe my eyelids are trying to shut up my eyes entirely. I would see if there's any way they could take these boobs from under my arms and pull them forward where they belong. I fully expect to have to lose these old boobs one day anyway because of my risk for breast cancer. Maybe they'll be able to make some use of these old arm pit boobs as replacements. I've heard that if you have surgery to get rid of the saggy arm skin, it leaves a pretty good scar, but I can't imagine a scar that would look worse than these mud flaps I've got goin on. Hmmmm, How could they make use of that stuff somewhere else? I also would try spray tanning since my skin looks to me about the color of raw chicken and also I've always felt that fat doesn't look as bad when it's tan fat. But first and foremost, I'd get pedicures. Lots and lots of pedicures. As my feet age they just get drier and drier and the nails just seem to get thicker and thicker. Sometimes I think God has decided that I should grow hooves. I would sit back in that massaging chair and let someone hack away at them a minimum of every other week. If I'm really rollin in the dough I may get manicures as well. My hands spend so much time playing with paper that they good use some TLC as well. Then---When wish number 3 is granted and all these things happen, I may find that I get some help toward wish number 4. We'll tackle that one tomorrow.

Oh my goodness! Just received this in an email from a friend. Now here's an idea of how I can get away with letting these flabby arms out for public viewing. Whatdya think?

PS--I chose this image of my chubbiness because, believe it or not, I love to have one these scooters to buzz around town in. Don't laugh! Gas is costing a fortune! It's probably a good thing that I don't have the dollars to buy one though, cause if I took to buzzing around on one (and I would), my kids may be horrified enough to deny knowing who I am. (I'll bet my grandkids would love it though).

Today is actually Thursday, but I'm still finishing this post. My challenge today said to just write for ten minutes. It's taking me at least ten minutes to get these down, so I'm going to make this one do double duty. I'm moving on to #4 today. I jokingly said yesterday that the things that would happen to my appearance in my wishful changes might help me find a mate, but while my looks always did that in the past, I want someone now who loves me just the way I am, for who I am. I don't know if he's out there, but God does, so we'll leave that one in His hands. On December 20th I will have been alone for six years. For a huge portion of the first part of that six years being alone has been an enormous thing to overcome. I HATED it! I was incredibly lonely. The aloneness just seemed to close in on me and crush me. It was this overwhelming loneliness that led me to head back to a bad situation in the past, hoping things would be different this time---maybe this time. In the long run it didn't change

.I somehow made it through this time without running back, and I have grown. Oh, how I have grown. I am still physically alone in this little house, but my wonderful Savior now is so present here that even the tiniest corner seems filled with His presence. I have gone through a lot during this time. Losses of all sorts that have literally devastated me, but God has used every circumstance to draw me ever closer to Him and make me into the woman He created me to be. My only regret is that I did not give Him full control sooner. So many wasted years, but God has promised in His Word to restore those lost times to me and much more. God has been allowing me to serve Him in some exciting and fulfilling ways. I know He has much more in store for me and I look forward to finding out just what that all means. Maybe there is a new relationship coming, maybe that will never be, but now unbelievably, I am fine either way. Yes, I would love to have the companionship of a partner again as I finish this last part of my earthly life, but the most important thing now, and the thing I desire the most is to be inside God's will for my life. I have learned that it is the only way to find true happiness and fulfillment. I am happy. I'm still alone, but I am happy. His is the relationship I need above ALL others. His hand is the most important one I'll ever hold.

There---I told you this would be at least ten minutes of writing. Writing Challenge number one accomplished for today.

Wish number one--I'm not going to expound on this. Tracy and her family are not believers and I wish that they were. It seems like it would take a miracle for them to come around, but guess what--- serve a God in the business of miracle. So, it remains a wish and a prayer for me.

That number one wish would have a huge affect on my final wish which we will tackle tomorrow. Nearly finished with this challenge. It's been a doozy!

Well, today it's time to finally end this ridiculously long post. The last wish I have to write about is a change in my children's attitude toward me and this is a toughy.  I wish my daughters had a different opinion of me. I'm their mom and they love me, but I wish they liked me more and respected me. I was watching a movie once and in a touching scene, the daughter told her mother she was proud of her and I burst into tears. I have never heard that from my girls--Ever. I wish there were something in my life that they were able to be proud of. I know that neither one of them wants to grow up to be like me. I wish I had been a better role model. I wish a lot of things, but we have to live with what is. Maybe in the time I have left they will find something in me that they respect and are proud of. We'll see. Crossed fingers!

Boy I wish my nails looked that pretty!